I'm Trying to Read Here // I Hate Being a Teenager

Part I:

Here's how it goes: I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, struggling through an elaborately (uselessly) descriptive monologue, in a mind-numbingly pointless scene of Othello, and I'm staring at the huge block of text I will probably never be tested on in my life, telling myself to push through no matter how irrelevant to the story this part is, when my mother comes in and plops down a stack of mail, which she proceeds to open.

Tear. Unfold. Rip. The crinkle of that little plastic window on an envelope. Another tear. Occasionally a shred. Rip. Shuffle.

I read the words on the page, but now all that my brain processes is the sound coming from three feet away. I reread the last few lines. Nope. I wince as my mother rips open a particularly large envelope. She has her earbuds in; I doubt she can hear it herself. I contemplate how I can ask her to go away in the most polite way possible. There's no reason she should be in this room; nobody else ever uses this room; no doubt she came here especially to "be around" me.

This happens to me all the time. I'm trying to practice piano, but the radio is going in the other room, a constant murmuring interrupted by raised voices and bursts of music. It distracts me so much that I can't focus on the notes I'm trying to play. At school, when I'm taking a test and the person beside me starts flicking the plastic part of their pencil, or throttling their water bottle, making those horrible crinkling noises, I just want to stop and glare at them and demand, “Don't you realize how inconsiderate you are being right now? Some people actually need peace and quiet to focus on writing an essay!” The worst part is that I feel like I'm going insane because when I look around the room, nobody else seems bothered by the noise.

For some reason I just find it impossible to focus if there is any irregular, insistent noise going. I'm fine with ticking clocks and pouring rain and quietly humming fans, but any sound that changes drives me insane. No doubt it's mostly my fault; I'm too sensitive to noise or something like that. Whenever I mention how much a noise is bugging me, everyone acts like I'm a freak. But what can I do about it?

I guess in a few years I'll be the one locked in my dorm room, gritting her teeth, wearing a pair of sound-canceling headphones.

Part II:

It's Junior Prom in a week. I think I am on the edge of insanity. I know, I know- I'm sure you are all glad to be rid of the prom drama that undoubtedly plagued your high school years, but that's what I'm going through right now. Apologies. You are more than welcome to skip the rest of this.

Long story short, last week a few of my friends decided that they needed dates to prom instead of going with the rest of us as a group—as we had been planning for the longest time. The ones with dates started convincing the others that they needed dates to go to prom, too, and now some are miserably waiting around for a guy, any guy, to ask them. Yes, that is a strong note of bitterness you detect there.

Over the past few weeks, I have gone from standing firmly single, to feeling locked in excruciating indecision, to getting very close to asking a guy, whom I may sorta-kinda-maybe like, to where I am now, which is single again. I finally decided that I would really rather go with a few of my friends and have fun than awkwardly try to talk to/dance with a guy for a full night and deal with the whole headache of high school boys in general.

I hate things like this. Sure, for a while it is fun to hear about surprising couples and cute planned proposals, but in reality prom is a giant migraine. I hate the way all the girls go crazy and start keeping secrets from their friends, forming factions and plotting both their own and their friends' dates, whether a setup is welcome or not. I hate the jealousy and the angstines that comes from hesitating, then seeing your crush going with someone else. I hate it all. I despise the overall disgusting teenage behavior that rears its head now, preying on our insecurities and shallowness. Most of all, I despise that I briefly let myself get sucked into this world and be that girl who cared enough about her image to desperately try and find a date when she doesn't actually want one, when she'd rather just go with her friends.

The thing I hate most about being a teenager is the complete lack of perspective; we get so absorbed in our own drama, until something like finding a date to prom is the most important issue in our life, ever. In the end, none of it even matters. Nothing that happens at Junior Prom will make or break my year; I doubt it will even make or break my month. I wish there were a way to remind myself of this more often.

/teen angst

Until next week,

Sofia

P.S. Taylor, I hope you're feeling better. :)